Scaling Back for Joy
Recognizing underlying belief and actions patterns
By: Claire Crowe LMSW
This September, at Wellrooted Counseling, we’re getting ready for cozy season, by letting go of attitudes and actions that are cluttering up our homes and schedules.
This September, at Wellrooted Counseling, we’re getting ready for cozy season, by letting go of attitudes and actions that are cluttering up our homes and schedules. Holiday magic will be here before you know it, and letting go of needless obligation is the perfect way to make room for something you actually enjoy. For those of you who have had the recent pleasure of cleaning out last school year’s backpack, you know there are some pretty crusty relics that don’t deserve to be hauled around anymore. Our attitudes and actions are no exception. Everyone has their own unique inventory to take, but the following thought families are top contenders for what deserves to be thrown out.
Unrelenting Standards
First up for consideration is Unrelenting Standards made up of three components: Perfectionism and Competitiveness, Time Pressure and Overwork, and Sacrificing Personal Wellbeing. Perfectionism and Competitiveness might sound something like “nothing I do is quite good enough” and look like having trouble accepting a compliment. Time Pressure and Overwork might sound something like “I have so much to accomplish that I can’t relax” and might look like checking things off your list until bedtime. Sacrificing Personal Wellbeing can sound like “It’s not worth it to bring up” and look like obsessively checking the vibe of each room you enter.
It’s important to remember these thoughts are not the enemy. We learned them for good reason, but when we use them at the wrong time or in the wrong situation they tend to produce the opposite of the intended effect. They might be handy to pull out from time to time, but will burn you out quickly if left on autopilot.
Up Next!
Emotional Inhibition
Another joy blocker is the Emotional Inhibition family. It’s made up of Dislike of Strong Emotions, Preferring Rationality Over Authenticity, and Feeling Numb. Dislike of Strong Emotions might sound something like “I’m not angry” and look like rage cleaning. Preferring Rationality to Authenticity might sound something like “I don’t have a good reason to feel this way” and look like doubting yourself at every turn. Feeling Numb sounds like a strong focus on concrete details and looks like the inability to engage in relationships in meaningful ways.
People carrying this thought family (*cough* most of us cough) are usually doing so for good reason. Somewhere along the way they (we) faced judgement, exclusion from privilege, or outright punishment for being honest about what was happening inside. Again, Emotional Inhibition has its place, but if you want to have deeper relationships and a little fun, it can be useful to learn how to turn it off in a healthy way.
Speaking of which…
Neither Goodwill nor Salvation Army has a dropoff for emotional baggage. Of course your friendly neighborhood therapists at Wellrooted Counseling can support the process, but in the meantime, here are a couple places to start.
Tweak your thoughts: Socratic questioning is a therapy classic, and for good reason. Any time those icky thoughts hit, feel free to counter with one of these gems: “What assumptions am I making?” “Is this always true?” “Is this way of thinking helping me achieve my goals?” (Spoiler alert: No)
Try proving your thought wrong with the opposite action: This is perfect for those who love action and a little defiance. Once you’ve figured out your limiting thoughts, try disrupting the system. Telling yourself you’re too busy to relax? Set a timer for five minutes of something you enjoy. Even if you don’t like it at first, you’re no longer letting your actions reinforce those thoughts. Without your actions to confirm them, they have little reason to stick around.
So, then what?
I have no idea, but here’s what I hope. It’s possible that once Unrelenting Standards and Emotional Inhibition move out of the way, you might find another thought family that you completely forgot existed: The Joyful Child.
The Joyful Child
The Joyful Child can be a little shy at first. I mean can you blame them after years of neglect? Be patient and listen when they start speaking their language. It might sound something like A Sense of Wonder, Vulnerability and Hope, and Belief in the Potential for Transformation. Come see us at Wellrooted, we can’t wait to hear what your Joyful Child has to say.
Working with a Wellrooted therapist in Midland, with the right training, can help to find a balance of change and negotiating works best for you. It’s often the connection with the therapist, coupled with their clinical knowledge that creates the conditions for you to let go of what isn’t working and step into something new. Speak with one of our therapists today to see if it’s the right fit.
