The Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning Dance:
How to Change Up the Steps
By: Claire Crowe LMSW
In any relationship you enter, you have to negotiate.
In any relationship you enter, you have to negotiate. You enter as your Self, with all your interests, history, and all the sparkly bits that make you, You. On the table, is the benefit package that comes with the relationship. It includes togetherness, protection, financial support, and the opportunity for advancement. The terms established cover relationships including romantic partnerships, parent-child relationships, work relationships, and any other relationship where the price of admission is emotional investment. All things being equal, all parties should benefit from equal “investment” and “profit”.
The goal of any relationship system is to keep a sense of steadiness. Human nervous systems thrive on predictability, giving us a chance to know what to expect in a world where that is often in short supply. Human nervous systems also have a memory. They remember what has worked in the past and predict that it will work in any similar situation in the future. Your nervous system may have learned that showing initiative gave you good results. If this describes you, you are likely to bring that trait with you into whatever relationship you enter. Others have learned that being on the same team as an initiator is enough to do the trick. They bring a wait-and-see quality to the relationship. Both assets are valuable, but can introduce a high-cost dynamic: the overfunctioning underfunctioning dance.
Overfunctioners are the first to take action. Overfunctioning can look like offering help before anyone asks, (“I knew what she wanted”) feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, (“They’ll be so upset if I say that!”) and holding everything together, (“If I stop things will fall apart.”) Overfunctioning can feel like difficulty with relaxation, a sense of loneliness, and resentment that others are not stepping up. Without the opportunity to perform, underfunctioning looks like avoiding decisions (“I have to ask him first.”), inconsistent follow-through (“I’m sorry I forgot, again.”) and presenting as less capable then they truly are (“I don’t know, what do you think?”) Underfunctioning can feel like chronic overwhelm, fear of not getting it right, and relief mixed with shame when the overfunctioner takes over.
Over time, the dance becomes exhausting and participants start to weigh the value of the benefit package. Each misses the Self that entered the negotiation and longs for the Other who is equally lost in their role. Because overfunctioners and underfunctioners reinforce each other to stabilize the system, considering other options often feels both desirable and impossible.
It’s because of this dependence that change is possible, and it can start with one person changing up the steps. If you’re in an overfunctioning role, the name of the game is to step back to create space for the other person to step into. This can look like pausing before taking action, (“Is this mine to fix?”), doing only your part (“Can they do this without me?”), and tolerating your own anxiety while others learn to step up (“I can get through this moment without action.”) Underfunctioners can start to shift the dynamic by stepping forward. This can look like taking ownership of one small task, (“I’m in charge of dishes.”) acting before you feel fully ready (“I know enough to try.”) and staying present when you want to collapse (“What’s one step I can do myself?”)
Renegotiations are uncomfortable at best but when the overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamic is in a holding pattern, necessary for the system to survive. If you’re willing to tolerate the discomfort, the freshly agreed-upon benefits package includes a restored sense of self, confidence that you are capable of change, and the opportunity for uncharted advancement.
Working with a Wellrooted therapist in Midland, with the right training, can help to find a balance of change and negotiating works best for you. It’s often the connection with the therapist, coupled with their clinical knowledge that creates the conditions for you to let go of what isn’t working and step into something new. Speak with one of our therapists today to see if it’s the right fit.
